There are two types of pride, pride in the things we love, like our kids and country, and then there is pride in ourselves. Today, I want to talk about the latter.
Selfish Pride
Pride in ourselves, while it may seem like a good thing, really isn’t. It may be “I’m already the strongest guy around, no need for me to go to the gym today” or “why do I need to listen to my husband, I’m the queen of this house”. Regardless, it creates a stubborn attitude that kills the desire to improve one’s self.
Unrighteous pride can lead us to hide sinful behavior, thereby enabling ourselves to continue doing that thing. We may be viewing porn, and covering it up when our spouse walks in the room and ask what we are doing. Pride will keep us from confessing our poor behavior and getting the help we need. All of this so we appear better than we actually are. We may think "I'm different, I can handle snorting the meth at this party, I'll just quit after just this once".
Really, it is about putting on a false facade of ourselves. We may go into debt to keep up with the Jones's. We may refuse to go outside without having a cake makeup regime. We may lie about our past. Regardless, all of this separates us from going through the hard work of changing who we are for the better.
All of us become prideful in our arguments with others. With pride, we refuse to listen to others, we get hung up on the few "gotcha" points we can hold onto, we bring up old scars that have already been resolved. When two people allow pride to overcome their emotions, small disagreements grow into arguments, or even into full fledged fights in which hurtful things are said, and relationships damaged.
“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” - C.S. Lewis
Sixteen characteristics of selfish pride:
1. The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction in their lives.
2. “The proud wish God would agree with them. They are not interested in changing their opinions to align with what God teaches.”
3. They are easily offended.
4. The proud seek to elevate themselves above others, and seek to diminish the stature of others.
5. The proud are jealous of others.
6. “It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.”
7. Disobedience
8. “A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him. He thinks this lowers his position.”
9. Selfishness
10. People hide things they should confess or will conspire with others to keep things secret, lie or whatever else to cheat and manipulate others.
11. Contention within the home, which includes spouse abuse, unrighteous dominion, endless squabbling, and divorce.
12. They withhold forgiveness.
13. Nit-picking on the insignificant faults of others.
14. They are defensive and rationalize “their frailties and failures.”
15. Their self-esteem comes from the opinion of others.
16. It poisons our relationships.
Overcoming Selfish Pride
Humility is the antithesis of pride. A humble person is a teachable person. They are willing to sincerely listen to another person's point of view. Seek to do God's will. If there is an ongoing issue, talk about it in a non-threatening manner. Forgive her of misdeeds. Besides the bickering, and fighting one of the more common ways to withhold forgiveness is by clamming up and sulking about problems.
As stated by C.S. Lewis, "Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone". The trick then, is to overcome the element of competition within your familial relationships. For the man, it may be refraining from trying to outdo your wife in her homemaking role. Rather, compliment her in what she does around the house and support her in the role she has as wife and mother. However, you should not purposefully look like a buffoon around the house to boost her ego. For the woman, same applies. Do not be competitive in his role around the house as protector, provider, and leader. Let him be in charge of those roles, but help him out in a supportive role as possible.
This is a big reason I am a proponent of a single income household. If both are working, both will need to take a major role in taking care of the home. Both will be taking a major role as providers. Competitiveness will be inevitable. The man and wife will be tired, tempers will me shorter, and children will be neglected more. If her employment is necessary, support each other in their traditional roles as best as possible.
Make an effort to compliment one another. Show appreciation for the work each other does. As you do so, your spouse will likely return the favor. Contention and hostility will be replaced by appreciation and love. Peace within the home will be more common.
Assignment: If necessary, swallow your pride and take a quiet time to apologize to your spouse for any misdeeds you may have done. Compliment him/her on something they do and try to bring variety to those compliments often.
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